


onism

by juniacx



Series: [multifandom] read this to cry [4]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Repeating the same day, again all i write about is pain, and sorry junhui too LOL, meanie is mentioned at the end but i dont expand on it, sorry mingyu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:28:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26117992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juniacx/pseuds/juniacx
Summary: it wasnt until after junhuis voice plagued his mind did mingyu realize that almost was never enough/tw suicide
Relationships: Kim Mingyu & Wen Jun hui | Jun, Kim Mingyu/Wen Jun Hui | Jun
Series: [multifandom] read this to cry [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1897036
Comments: 3
Kudos: 25





	onism

**Author's Note:**

> yet another addition to my 'i make sad things for no reason' series;; think of this story with nct u 'without u' and svt 'still lonely' in mind. 
> 
> here is the [netflix cover photo](https://www.flickr.com/photos/189714121@N04/50224766437/in/datetaken/) that i made a long time ago. pls look at it bc i had to redraw mingyu's second half myself and his shirt killed me
> 
> also hope u enjoy the scene i drew down below it took me a while :3;; i poured so much energy into this fic but its still kinda ass :/
> 
> onism: the awareness of how little of the world you'll experience. how you are not omnicent, limited to one life. no one can be you and you cannot be anyone else.

It was eight in the morning on a Monday when the alarm on Kim Mingyu’s phone blared the most obnoxious and generic tune, shooting through his ears faster than bullets and forcing him up out of his bed. He slammed his hand on his phone to turn the alarm off and looked out of his window to see a couple of neighbors stopping to talk while walking their dog. A jogger ran by, waving to them as well, and some people were leaving their apartments to head to school or work. He sat there watching, wondering how they had the energy to get up that early while running his hands through his hair and scratching irritably at his scalp. He heard footsteps approach his room, and he whipped around just in time to watch the door open. 

“What’s up, Gyu?” Boo Seungkwan, one of his best friends and roommate, asked, holding a white mug with kitten paws on it and leaning against the doorframe. 

Mingyu shrugged, still feeling the fatigue run throughout his body. “What? Nothing, why?” he replied, rubbing his eyes with his hands and yawning.

“Eh, I don’t know. I got my score back for my English exam. Failed it,” he sighed, taking a sip of his drink.

Mingyu glanced up at him, unsure of what to say. “Sorry to hear that.”

Seungkwan sighed. “It’s whatever. I’m a dumbass.”

They sat in silence for a while before Seungkwan glanced at his clock and smiled brightly. “Well, anyway, have a nice day at Uni, Gyu. I’m heading to Hansol’s later, so if you need anything, text me.” Seungkwan turned on his heel and left the room, closing the door behind him on his way out.

With a nod, the brunet threw his legs over the side of his bed, his feet landing on the cold wood of the floor instantly. He winced, dragging his freezing feet towards the bathroom with the heavy slump of his shoulders. He stood looking into the bathroom mirror as he brushed his teeth, noting the darkening eye bags stooped below his eyes. Jogging was the most crucial part of his morning routine; there was never a day that he went without his morning jog. He tried to jog at night before, but the thought of getting mugged or something even worse made him shy away from it. He slipped on his sneakers and grabbed his phone and earphones, already running out the door as he swiped around his playlist to choose a song. 

Mingyu ran for about forty minutes before returning home to continue on his routine, working his abs, legs, and back. He glanced at his clock and found it was already half-past eight. He figured he should shower all the sweat off and sift through his closet to find something clean and presentable. Mingyu found a white shirt and black jeans and decided that it was the best he could do. He was in college and could care less, but there was only one person he cared about seeing: Moon Junhui.

Moon Junhui was famously known as being an ethereal god that the whole university looked up to. Everyone knew he was a big sweetheart that was in love with cats and a heart bigger than the world. He was the cutest guy with an even cuter smile and he was the only guy that made Mingyu’s heart race

Junhui was the guy that every campus knew about and every day at around nine in the morning, he and Mingyu would pass each other on campus and wave. Mingyu and Junhui were barely friends, only sharing a class way back in freshman year, but Junhui was a cute sweetheart that everyone had fallen head over heels for. So Mingyu had to at least _look_ like he wasn’t raised in a barn. The campus was in reasonable walking distance from his apartment and since part of his daily routine was to get a cup of coffee from the Starbucks down the street, he decided to go right to it as he finished up with his breakfast. He screamed goodbye to Seungkwan, who waved at him as he left. He walked quickly to the Starbucks and laughed at the fact that his drink was already prepared by the time he got there. Mingyu nodded gratefully towards the manager and slid the money to the employee, telling them to keep the change and sharing a polite smile before he was already out the door.

He attended his first class of the day, already energized from the caffeine and workout, but something inside of him felt odd. His gut churned every now and then, pissing him off quite a bit. He shrugged it off, not particularly caring as he scribbled down some notes to make the teacher seem like he was listening. Mingyu was out of the class quicker than he thought and when he stepped out of the building to make his way to his next class, he saw Junhui, giggling with a group of friends under a tree nearby. They made eye contact immediately and Junhui smiled widely. It seemed forced for a moment, but Mingyu brought his hand up to wave and give him a small smile. Junhui waved back and Mingyu continued on his way towards his next class. 

The day went smoothly from then on. 

Every Monday, Mingyu swung by his close friend Lee Jihoon’s studio to catch up (or what Jihoon would call it: Mingyu’s TedTalk). They talked for a few hours about Jihoon’s progress on the new song he was making and Seungcheol brought many, _many_ cookies that his boyfriend, Yoon Jeonghan, baked for all of them. He went to class and he received one of the highest grades on his last test, even though he thought he failed it. He had lunch with one of his friends at his favorite burger place and at the end of the day, he came back to his bed satisfied and with a belly full of some cooking his mother dropped off. His days usually went like this, peaceful, calm, and carefree. 

That was until that night where he found out that Junhui killed himself through the group chats he was in. 

Mingyu was laying on his bed, his piles of homework done and already packed into his bag. He threw his head back onto his pillow, sighing in relief that he was finally done. The phone he left abandoned to the side was now ringing nonstop and Mingyu, pissed off at the noise, reached over to see what the fuss was about. His friends were texting endlessly, trying to get Mingyu’s attention. 

**hanseoul** : shitttt did yall read the email too

 **channie!** : yeah ,,, it was kinda rough ,,,

 **channie!** : i didn’t know junhui-sunbaenim was going through it alone...i feel so bad

 **cheolz** : ik imagine how his family feels

 **cheolz** : but his friends tho....theyre around him 24/7 but none of them saw anything??? smells kinda like fake friends to me ngl

 **hanseoul** : maybe he was hiding it to seem ok?? didn’t wanna worry anyone??

 **channie!** : still, i wish he got some help before it was too late….

 **channie!** : i cant imagine how @ **min9yu** feels rn

 **hanseoul** : youre right @ **min9yu** you good?

 **hanseoul** : leaving me on read smh

Mingyu’s eyes widened at the news, his fingers immediately flying off to retrieve the email that he didn’t see before. As he read through the University’s email about Moon Junhui’s death he froze and suddenly everything felt like it was constricting him from breathing. A new weight was on his chest as he reread the email for the thousandth time. 

He killed himself in his dormitory without a suicide letter. The police found that he overdosed on sleeping pills, but it was only that information that was enclosed. Police claimed that he was dead for hours before the report and it was not until his mother called the University dean that his body was found. His estimated time of death came to be around five in the evening.

Mingyu felt breathless, his lungs restricting his breath and his heart beating at thousands of miles per hour. He felt his eyes prickle with tears, his chest clench, and his heart drop all at once.

He tried not to cry too hard that night. 

  
  
  


Mingyu woke up to the same irritating tune and he sighed, feeling a bit disheartened at the thought that the love of his life was now dead. Junhui was the first person he ever fell in love with — not only did he capture Mingyu’s attention with his appearance, but his positive personality and his kindness had Mingyu sold. He always thought about confessing, thinking about all the possibilities after he said those three words, but he no longer could. He slammed his hand on the dismiss button in frustration. 

Sighing, he rubbed at his temples and turned to look out the window. He saw two neighbors stop to talk to each other as they were walking their dog through his tired eyes. He furrowed his eyebrows, feeling slight déjà vu at the sight. What made it worse was the jogger, who ran by and waved to them, flashing them a smile. Mingyu looked back to his phone and stared at the date. _December 8th_ , he thought, _but wasn’t yesterday December 8th?_ The boy hoped to God he wasn’t going crazy; he wrote the date on so many papers and even saw it on his phone throughout the day. _Yesterday was December 8th. It had to be_.

He turned back to the window to see the students locking up their apartments and leaving and Mingyu blinked, hoping he was just dreaming. 

“What the fu—“

“What’s up, Gyu?”

Mingyu turned his head to where Seungkwan was standing, the same kitten-paw-covered mug in his hands and the same stance against the doorframe. He tried to even out his breathing and at least attempted to try and convince himself that he wasn’t having déjà vu. The brunet studied Seungkwan, seeing that he was wearing the same outfit, the same _Adidas_ slides, the same oversized blue shirt. He blinked again. “I...I don’t know? I’m kind of upset, maybe? I can’t get over the fact that...” he trailed off, glancing at the date on his phone again.

The boy in front of him furrowed his eyebrows with worry. “Upset? What happened?” Seungkwan asked, taking a sip of his beverage, looking at him over the rim of the small mug. Mingyu stared at him for what felt like an eternity, studying his movements bit by bit. 

He inhaled sharply, wiping his sweaty hands on his thighs, preparing himself for what he was about to say. As much as it was true, Mingyu did not want to believe it at all. “Moon Junhui’s dead, Seungkwan, didn’t you hear?”

Seungkwan blinked, peering at him incredulously like he was crazy or he said something wrong. “First of all, it is way too early for this.” Mingyu rolled his eyes irritably, running his hands through his hair. “And dead? Seriously? Is that the best you can do? I thought you were a better prankster than that. You should say something like...like he’s dating you now or something! That would have gotten me more than that,” he scoffed, shaking his head incredulously. 

“I’m not lying, Seungkwan, he’s—“

“ _I_ should be upset! I failed my English exam and now I’m here listening to some kid who tells me Moon Junhui’s dead! What a joke.”

He stood up, not paying attention to the cold, wooden floor that pierced icicles into the soft skin of his feet. “Seungkwan! Did you not get the email last night? Or were you at Hansol’s the whole day?” he exclaimed, pulling at his hair frustratedly. The whole scenario was driving him mad; Seungkwan’s ignorance of everything was almost bringing him to tears.

Seungkwan looked worried and scared, watching as Mingyu paced around the room, not knowing what to do. “What? I haven’t gone to Hansol’s since Thursday, I was planning on going today. You know I was at the library last night.” Seungkwan stopped, looking at him with concern heavily apparent in his eyes. “Are you okay? Do you need to see the doctor or…?”

Mingyu scoffed. “What good will that do?” he snapped, immediately regretting it afterward. 

Seungkwan huffed, setting himself up straight on his feet. “Oh, right, okay, no doctor. A psychiatric hospital is what you need. I think you’re losing your mind.” Mingyu was unable to stop him when Seungkwan turned around, shutting the door behind him to leave Mingyu alone. He sighed, staring at his feet as he shuffled towards the bathroom. He looked like a mess, his hair tousled because of his fingers and his eye bags drooped even lower from all the sleeplessness. He looked eighteen years older than he actually was and he groaned irritably, splashing water into his face repeatedly. Mingyu decided to skip his jog and go straight for a quick warm up and then his usual routine, seeing as if he went for a jog he would be late for his class. 

After picking up his coffee and attending class, Mingyu found himself the last to leave the classroom. He realized he blanked out during the whole class and the only people left in the classroom were himself and the teacher, who snickered when he saw that Mingyu realized his situation. He was about to say something along the lines of an apology when they locked eyes, but the teacher just gestured towards the board and walked away. With his eyebrows furrowed, he turned towards the chalkboard and read what it said.

_Try again._

He paused, eyes outlining each and every stroke of chalk to form a letter. “Try what agai—“ he tried to speak, but soon realized the teacher had already exited the classroom. He sighed, standing up and throwing his backpack over his shoulder. Mingyu stepped out of the building to see Junhui again, standing under the tree with about ten friends surrounding him. Mingyu’s eyes widened at the sight of him. 

So he _wasn’t_ dead. 

Then what was last night all about? And why did it feel that he was reliving the same day again? And why was Junhui right in front of him, living and breathing? It certainly didn’t feel like some dream, he knew the difference between reality and dreamland and yesterday felt so _real_ that he refused to believe that he dreamt it. He was pulled out from his train of thought by Junhui’s smile, which was just a forced, sad uprising of his lips that made Mingyu’s heart ache in his chest. 

Mingyu waved back, smiling awkwardly and making a beeline for his next class. (He didn’t know this at the time, but if he _did_ notice Junhui’s sudden frown, he would have never forgiven himself.) His next class went fast, fortunately, because he was hoping that Jihoon could make sense of all of this. Lee Jihoon was the smartest man he knew, surely he could help him out. Jihoon got him through some heavy stuff before, what would be the difference now?

On his way over to Jihoon’s studio, Mingyu focused on the ground, still trying to convince himself that he wasn’t reliving the same day, even when his teacher gave him the same conversation he had yesterday about extra credit. He didn’t even bat an eye at the test he aced. 

With a loud bang, Mingyu burst through Jihoon’s studio, but before he could say anything, Jihoon waved and said “Hey, dude,” not bothering to look away from his laptop. Mingyu’s breath hitched and he stopped in the doorway, realizing those were the same exact words and movements that he did yesterday—or today, rather.

Without an answer, Mingyu dragged his feet over to the beanbag Jihoon had in the corner and plopped down, sighing loudly and gripping at his dark caramel locks. “Hyung, I—“ he started, but he saw the door swing open again, cueing Seungcheol’s moment to present his boyfriend’s cookies to the two of them. Mingyu took one of the treats, slowly chewing on it as he watched Jihoon do the same. Seungcheol took a seat on the couch, picking up a cookie for himself as well. “Hey, guys?” he began again, and he received two hums from his hyungs, “I think I’m reliving the same day again.”

Jihoon was the first to react, still not looking away from his laptop as he snorted and murmured “Oh yeah? And I’m a billionaire.”

Okay, so maybe Jihoon wasn’t the best guy to help him with this. 

“You’re hilarious, Gyu,” Seungcheol scoffed plainly. Mingyu turned his head and stared at him. “Living the same day again? Sounds like some sort of...I don’t know, cliché to me? Are you in a sci-fi movie in your head or something?”

Mingyu shook his head vehemently. “No, I mean…the same things have been happening over and over again. I woke up and Seungkwan recited the same thing he said yesterday, Jihoon said the same thing when I walked in, you brought the same cookies, and—and the only thing different was a big ‘try again’ was written on the board of my first class!” Seungcheol and Jihoon turned to gaze at him for a moment, not knowing what to say. Mingyu huffed, burying his face in his hands. “I don’t know what’s going on, but I’ll tell you that Moon Junhui is going to die tonight.”

“Woah, woah, _wait_. Don’t tell me you’re killing him or something? You better not do anything stupid,” Jihoon butted in, receiving a glare from Mingyu, who opened his mouth to say something until Seungcheol’s loud laughter stopped him.

“Are you serious? You think Mingyu’s going to kill his first love?”

“Hey, you never know. People are crazy like that.”

“You’ve watched too much of _Criminal Minds_...”

“Shit happens.” Jihoon shrugged.

Mingyu turned red at the mention of his first love, but shook the thought away, looking straight at Jihoon. “What I mean is that Junhui killed himself yesterday—or today—I mean, December 8th. I got an email and you might get it tonight. But I don’t know why I’m reliving this day! This day is one of the worst in my life!”

Jihoon just stared for a moment before laughing. “You need a fucking doctor.”

“Ugh!” Mingyu groaned, throwing his head back on the beanbag. “You’re just like Seungkwan!”

The boy chuckled again. “I _wish_ I was Seungkwan!” he screamed, and Seungcheol threw a cookie at Jihoon’s face, which he caught and shoved into his mouth before turning back to his laptop.

“Okay, well, we’ve _all_ thirsted over Seungkwan once in our lives, but let’s help Mingyu out for a bit,” Seungcheol supplied and Mingyu nodded in agreement, thankful that someone understood him.

He swiveled around and looked at Seungcheol, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes narrowed behind his round glasses. “ _Me_? Help him? With what? A drive to the hospital?” he asked sarcastically and Mingyu pouted, crossing his arms over his chest. Jihoon rolled his eyes without malice, turning back to Mingyu and crossing his legs. “Look, dude, I’d help, but how am I going to help with all of this? Be God? I’m Lee fuckin’ Jihoon and the only thing that concerns me right now is finishing this stupid ass song and eating another cookie.” At that, Seungcheol tossed another cookie towards him and Jihoon nodded gratefully towards him.

Mingyu sighed, losing the pout and uncrossing his arms. “I have no idea,” he answered blatantly, and Jihoon threw his head back, groaning and turning back to his laptop.

“This is a lot, dude, I know, but I can’t do much,” Jihoon replied and Mingyu let his gaze drop to the ground at his words.

“It’s just...if I am living the same day, what can I do?” Mingyu inquired, running his hands through his hair. “I can’t...I can’t let him die again. What if this is my only chance to do something?”

Seungcheol walked over to pat Mingyu’s back sympathetically. “To be honest, I don’t know what you can do,” he said, shrugging. “I’d let it go. You can’t really play with destiny, dude. What can you do in these few hours that can change the future?”

Mingyu furrowed his eyebrows, not expecting that answer. In a fit of fury, Mingyu snapped and glared at Seungcheol. “What if this happened to Jeonghan-hyung? If something bad happened to him and you had the chance to fix it, what would you do?” 

His friend’s face turned serious and his eyes narrowed. “Don’t bring him into this! That’s so fucked, dude. I don’t even know if _you’re_ living the same day, but at _least_ I’m trying to help!” 

Jihoon turned around at Seungcheol’s sudden anger. “Hey, the two of you, chill,” he yelled between them. “Mingyu. I don’t know what you’re living through right now. To be honest, it sounds like bull, but I really don’t think you can do anything.”

Mingyu threw himself back into the beanbag chair and sighed solemnly. “Sorry. hyung...I didn’t mean to—“ 

“I know, you’re stressed,” Seungcheol said, reaching over to shake Mingyu’s hand. “I’m sorry we can’t help you out here, but, really, it’s best to let it be.” Mingyu could only nod at that.

Mingyu went through the rest of the day with a heavy heart. Junhui was the only thing on his mind the whole day. This whole incident made Mingyu’s head hurt and he craved to do something about it. When he eventually got back to his apartment and finished all the work he needed to get done, he saw the email from his notifications and stopped himself from reading it. Mingyu opened his group chat for a second, staring at what his friends had to say.

 **hanseoul** : shitttt did yall read the email too

 **channie!** : yeah ,,, it was kinda rough ,,,

 **channie!** : i didn’t know Junhui-sunbaenim was going through it alone...i feel so bad

 **ji** : mingyu what the fuck

 **ji** : why were you right...how did you know this was going to happen

 **ji** : im sorry for not believing you before holy shit

 **cheolz** : i just saw it too wtf

 **cheolz** : idk how to react right now im kinda just shaking

 **hanseoul** : ???

Exasperated, Mingyu tossed his phone onto his bed and screamed into his pillow, angry at himself for not doing anything to help. Now it was clear: he was living the same day again and he wasted it. He felt weak and helpless as he slumped over to his bed. As he cried himself to sleep, he prayed to any god out there that this chance would be granted to him again. 

  
  


It was the same annoying, blaring music that woke Mingyu up in the morning, but he shot out of bed this time, immediately grabbing his phone on his nightstand. The bright screen almost blinded his sight, but he was still able to see the date of the week and date underneath his clock. His phone slipped from his shaking hands and his jaw dropped incredulously. It was Monday again on what was supposed to be Wednesday. December 8th again, for the third time. For cautionary measures, Mingyu checked outside and practically ripped his curtains apart to stare down at the same people for the third time. His breath stopped at the sound of Seungkwan coming in and he whipped around to make eye contact with the younger. 

“What’s up, G—”

“Not now, sorry.” Mingyu jolted out of his bed and ran off to the bathroom, leaving a confused and bewildered Seungkwan behind him. Seungkwan was already long gone by the time Mingyu got out, and while Mingyu had never completed his morning jog outside of the blocks around his apartment complex, he figured he might as well jog off to Junhui’s dormitory.

A sense of desperation overwhelmed his whole being and his body was itching to see Junhui alive and breathing. Mingyu had never had a whole conversation with Junhui and he was only a dongsaeng in Junhui’s eyes, but something inside of him was screaming and demanding to meet Junhui and somehow save him. 

Mingyu had been running for almost twenty minutes now, almost bumping into countless trees, skaters, and pedestrians along the way, so when he finally saw Junhui on the way to his class, a sigh of relief came through him. He was about to call out to him before one of the campus busses blocked his view and Junhui suddenly disappeared. He followed Junhui’s trail all the way to his classroom’s building, barging in and immediately looking around for Junhui. After searching around the building for about half an hour, he decided to make his way out, thinking that Junhui may have gone into a different building. Something hard hit his chest and he recognized it as Soonyoung, one of Junhui’s closest friends. He jumped at this opportunity and grabbed Soonyoung by the arms, startling him. “Soonyoung-sunbaenim! Hey, uh, sorry for bumping into you and I know we haven’t spoken in a long time but can you please tell me which building and room Junhui went into?” he spat quickly, trying to get the answer out of him as soon as he could.

“Oh, what the hell? Mingyu, is that you? You got fuckin’ tall...” he replied in awe. His head had to tilt upwards to make eye contact with him. Mingyu smiled down at him, hoping that he would answer him, but Soonyoung’s agape mouth turned into a frown. “I can’t tell you how many times people have asked me where Junhui was. Didn’t know you were into him, too. How come no one’s ever looking for me, huh?” He shrugged off Mingyu’s grip on his arms and attempted to slip past him.

Mingyu’s face flushed red at that comment, but he shook his head and grabbed onto Soonyoung again. “Soonyoung-sunbaenim! Sunbaenim, please,” he pleaded. “I gotta know. I’ll owe you a million favors if you tell me.” Soonyoung didn’t seem willing to tell him, even then. “Okay! Okay, look, you know that really expensive tiger-print collection that you told me about in junior year? I’ll buy it. I’ll buy it right now, on God, if you tell me where Jun-sunbaenim is.”

He gasped. “That whole collection is almost two hundred per item, are you serious right now?” Soonyoung’s eyes were big and bright, fiery with passion. A sudden pain went to his forearms when Soonyoung grabbed onto him, shaking him furiously. Mingyu glanced down to his forearms and winced, but Soonyoung shook him again to get his attention. “I _said_ are you serious?” 

Mingyu nodded without hesitation. Of course Junhui’s life comes before the money he’s been saving for a high-tech gaming laptop. He cringed as Soonyoung jumped in excitement. “Good! You have my number still, right?” Mingyu nodded and tore his arms away from Soonyoung’s death grip. “Junhui’s class starts in twenty minutes, over in that building.” Mingyu’s eyes followed Soonyoung’s pointing finger over to the next building and he was about to sprint over there before he was stopped by the man in front of him. “But he told me he was gonna skip today. Which is weird, because he never does, but he’s probably tired today. If you’re looking for him, he’s probably in the library by now. That’s where he told me he’d be all day.”

He nodded and spurted out his thanks before running his way towards the library. Soonyoung smiled at him and waved as he ran away. “Make sure you remember your promise!” he shouted after him.

Mingyu stumbled into the library, gaining the attention of about thirty other people as he walked in. His cheeks flared red in embarrassment, but he shrugged it off and continued to search for Junhui. He searched through each aisle and perused every conference room to see if Junhui was possibly there. The moment he glanced into one of the research aisles, he was met with Junhui buried in a book and he sighed in relief. After searching for hours and hours for him, seeing him alive and well was something so incredibly satisfying. He walked over, trying his best to be calm, and put his hand on Junhui’s shoulder. “Junhui-ssi, uh, I know you don’t know me well, but I’ve been looking for you for—“

The man startled under Mingyu’s touch and the book fell to the ground with a loud thud. Mingyu quickly kneeled down to pick it up and apologized profusely for scaring him, but when he looked up, he wasn’t looking into Junhui’s eyes. 

He got up slowly and returned the book cautiously, eyeing the man in front of him. It wasn’t Junhui. It was never Junhui. Mingyu apologized for mistaking him for someone else and watched as the man scurried away from his sight, holding the book closely to his chest.

Mingyu glanced around, confused on whether or not Soonyoung was lying to him, before turning on his heel. He stopped in his tracks when he was met with a man around his age with a black mullet and round glasses. “Who are you to be looking for Junhui?” His arms were crossed over his chest and he had a disdainful look in his eyes.

In an instant he realized that it was Minghao, Junhui’s best friend, that he was talking to. His mouth became dry in that moment and no words were coming out of his mouth. Minghao glared, expecting an answer to come quicker. “I just…,” he dropped his head, “I just need to see him. I have to talk to him.”

“Why?” Minghao demanded an answer.

Mingyu licked his lips nervously, glancing around and trying to look anywhere else but at Minghao. “I can’t tell you,” he replied vaguely. “It’s complicated, you wouldn’t get it. Seriously.” There was nothing but truth pouring out of Mingyu’s mouth. There was no way that Minghao was going to understand anything that was going on. 

He heard Minghao scoff. “Yeah, right,” he tilted his head to the side. “Try me. If I find it reasonable, I’ll tell you where he is and you can go. For real. But if I find out that you’re trying to get with him or something like that—” Minghao stopped himself and looked away, wrapping himself in his arms uncomfortably. He glared directly at Mingyu, eyes narrowed. “Tell me.” 

A spark of hope ignited in Mingyu and leaned over to the side and turned around to check if anyone else was listening. As soon as the coast was clear, he ducked down slightly and ushered Minghao closer. “Here, I’ll tell you,” he said quietly.

It took a while for Minghao to grasp the concept of Mingyu repeating the same day and Junhui meeting the same fate. Mingyu had to explain it five times over for Minghao to understand. By the time Mingyu was done explaining the situation for the last time, he felt something wet on his hand. When the two locked eyes again, Mingyu realized that Minghao had started crying. The latter’s hands immediately came up to wipe his tears away, but they didn’t seem to stop. Afraid that people might stare, Mingyu grabbed Minghao’s arms and tried to calm him down, shushing him gently and respectfully. “I know that this is a lot and you might not even believe me but—“

“Oh my fucking god,” Minghao bawled into his hands. It was almost too quiet for Mingyu to hear, maybe it was meant to be that way. “That’s why he told me to take care of his cat back home and...and that’s why he gave me all of his favorite albums.” Minghao stepped back, making Mingyu drop his grip on his arms. Hiccups poured out of his mouth in a choking manner. “I was so confused why he did that. He never lets me touch his albums and — _Christ_ , that’s why he doesn’t let me look through his drawers. The sleeping pills he overdosed on are probably in there along with antidepressants, too.”

It makes sense now. When Mingyu first got the email, he believed that Junhui might have made a mistake that day — an incredibly vital mistake that took his life. He now realized, with a shaking Minghao in front of him, that Junhui had depression. Mingyu clenched his fist and stopped himself from slamming his head into the wall of books next to him out of frustration. 

“I’m such an idiot,” the younger mumbled, angry with himself. “I’m a _psychology_ major and I couldn’t figure this out? I fucking failed as a friend! I didn’t notice it at all! He was probably begging for someone to notice, for someone to care and I didn’t! Junhui had a smile on his face wherever he went and I...argh!”

People around started to stare after Minghao’s outburst, but he didn’t seem to care. Minghao opened his mouth to continue, but a notification sound from his phone made him stop. Mingyu watched as Minghao opened the message and his mouth fell agape. “He’s at his dorm rooftop,” Minghao said quickly, showing the picture of the sky that Junhui sent him. 

Mingyu’s eyes widened and he grabbed onto Minghao’s arm. “Well, what’re you waiting for? Let’s go!” He tried to drag Minghao along with him, but he didn’t budge even slightly. 

Minghao turned around to look at him and shook his head sadly. “I don’t think I can see Junhui right now. I can’t forgive myself and seeing him will only make it worse....” his gaze turned to the floor.

“What’re you saying?”

“I’m saying that you have to go alone. He wouldn’t want to see me.”

“Don’t decide that by yourself—“

Minghao tugged his arm away and new tears started to form at the corner of his eyes. “Please promise that you’ll save him for me.”

“Myungho—“

" _Please_.”

Mingyu nodded ambitiously and vehemently. “I will. _Of course_ I will.” The latter’s reply came in tears and Mingyu takes this as a sign to leave Minghao alone. Mingyu started running as fast as he could through the campus streets, trying relentlessly to catch any bus that would take him near Junhui’s dormitory. It took almost an eternity for Mingyu to reach the building, but once it was in his sight, he couldn’t help but start sprinting, even if he could have taken the elevator.

Mingyu slammed the doors to the roof open with a loud bang, bursting through in time to see a confused Junhui whipping around to see the source of the loud sound. Too overwhelmed by finally seeing him in real life, alive and well, Mingyu ran over to him quickly, wanting nothing but to hold him in his arms, resulting in him slamming himself onto Junhui by accident and sending them both onto the dirty floor of the [rooftop](https://www.flickr.com/photos/189714121@N04/50257269761/in/datetaken/). There was silence between the two for a moment before Mingyu lifted himself onto his hands and stared down at Junhui, who had the most confused and stunned look on his face. “Uh, hi, Mingyu, but could you get off? I was just about to—” 

“Where were you going?” Mingyu interrupted, his eyes ablaze. The man under him stayed silent, gazing into Mingyu’s eyes. “W-Where were you trying to go, Moon Junhui?” 

There was a bewildered look on Junhui’s face and Mingyu could tell that he was wondering why he was being asked that. After another moment passed, he whispered, “M-My room,” quietly. 

Something inside of Mingyu started to burn. The thought that Mingyu was just a second away from being late made his stomach churn. His arms tensed up and he shook his head vehemently. “I’m sorry, but you can’t,” Mingyu replied, tears pricking at the side of his eyes. His voice was hoarse and he was practically choking on each word he spoke. “I can’t let you. I won’t let you.” Mingyu continued to shake his head vivaciously and squeezed his eyes shut, tears falling down his face. His repeated pleas of “please stay with me. please, please, please tell me you’ll stay here” came out through his mouth like a mantra and it had Junhui furrowing his eyebrows in wonder. 

A tear fell from Mingyu’s eyes and onto Junhui’s cheek. Mingyu bit his lip and cringed internally for crying onto Junhui, but he could no longer muse on it any longer as tears started to flow nonstop down his face. The man below him reached up, not to wipe the wetness off of his face, but to remove the tears from Mingyu’s cheeks. Although vulnerable and scared to death about Junhui’s next move, Mingyu laughed slightly at his behavior. Silence ensued and all that could be heard was Mingyu’s sniffling. Neither of them moved from their spot on the rooftop and Junhui wiped away each and every tear that he shed. It was dead quiet until Junhui’s slightly broken voice brought it to an end. “Alright,” he said, moving his hand to cup Mingyu’s cheek with his hand. “I’ll stay here with you, Mingyu.” 

Mingyu sighed in relief, feeling the pressure he felt for three days straight drip out of his body. He whispered his thanks and gave Junhui a bright smile, but tears continued to spill down his face. The embarrassment that Mingyu was supposed to feel for the past five minutes hit him like a truck and he suddenly remembered what position they were in. He jumped to his feet and apologized profusely, getting down on his knees to gain forgiveness. Junhui told him that it was fine and reached over to grab Mingyu’s hand. “Look at the sky, Mingyu,” he said gently, gesturing over to the blue sky. Mingyu gazed at it, squinting at how bright it was. “Isn’t it pretty?”

Mingyu nodded because it honestly was. The building was at a nice height and it was almost as if he could look at all the clouds at once if he laid down. When he looked back at Junhui, he realized he was being stared at and he coughed awkwardly. “Did Minghao tell you I was here?” Mingyu nodded in response, wiping off the crusts from his eyes with the back of his hand. Junhui sighed and looked back to the sky. It became quiet between them again and Mingyu got distracted by Junhui’s hair flowing among the soft breeze. He took a deep breath and stepped forward. 

“I know what you were going to do.” Junhui didn’t turn around, but there was a change to his demeanor and Mingyu could tell that he flinched slightly. “Earlier, uh, when you said that you were going to your room. I knew what you were gonna do. That’s why I’m here.”

Mingyu watched as Junhui turned and took a seat where he was standing against the rooftop barrier. He tapped the space next to him and smiled brightly towards the younger man in front of him. “Would you like to hear my story?” 

Silently, Mingyu lowered himself to the floor, taking the seat offered to him by Junhui. It took a moment for Junhui to relax, pulling his knees towards his chest. “You know, dying at the same time every day for the past three days has been getting annoying,” Junhui said quietly, leaning his head against his knees. Mingyu startled at his words, his head almost snapping at how quickly he turned his head towards Junhui. There were words on the tip of his tongue, the desire to ask what he meant burning, but none seemed to pour out. His mouth hung silently as he stared at Junhui, who gazed back calmly. “When I first woke up again — which I wasn’t expecting at all, by the way — I thought I was in the hospital, but I was in my room.”

Mingyu shut his mouth and furrowed his eyebrows. “I thought I was dreaming and it was weird how everything was the exact same, so I thought I might as well take this all the way in case the day doesn’t repeat. So I killed myself again. Don’t worry, it was more numbing the second time.”

“Why are you telling me this?” the younger asked, his hands already shaking.

Junhui gave him a quick glance before smiling to himself. “Isn’t it obvious? You’re reliving the same day, too.” Mingyu showed him a dumbfounded face, making Junhui laugh. “Why else would you be here? You’re trying to stop me from doing it again.”

“I—“

“But what happens when you’re successful? What happens after I stay here with you? Will December 9th come? Will—”

“I don’t care about that right now,” Mingyu interrupted loudly. The sudden shout from Mingyu’s mouth had Junhui looking back at him, confused as to why Mingyu’s face was contorted into a disgusted, angry face. “Is that what you think I’m doing right now? That I’m keeping you with me for my sake alone? Sure, you might think that I want my life back to normal, that you’re getting in the way of my life, but do you know how hard I cried for the past two nights?”

Junhui stayed silent.

“You think I give a shit whether or not tomorrow will change or not? Why does it matter? What’s stopping you from leaving this world on December 9th? Do you even realize that there won’t be a tomorrow for me if you’re not there? I—“ Mingyu stopped himself, turning the brightest shade of red possible while Junhui just stared at him, his face void of any emotion. The younger shivered at his expression, not knowing how to react to it. “I, uh—“

“You’re such a fucking liar,” Junhui spat, standing to his feet. Mingyu sat there, shocked that the famous ‘campus sweetheart’ would curse. Junhui turned his back towards him, his hands turning into fists. “You thought I would fall for that? Do you know how many people have told me that? You don’t actually care about me. There’s always an ulterior motive to people like you.”

Junhui wrapped himself in his own arms in an attempt to comfort himself, shaking his head as Mingyu slowly stood up behind him. “Everyone always wants something or expects something from me. Whether that be my parents, my friends, my teachers — they all want something! And you!” Junhui whipped around, pointing a finger right at Mingyu. “You don’t even know a thing about me but you’re saying that there’s no tomorrow without me? Bullshit.”

“You’re right. I don’t know anything about you, your life, your relationships, nothing!” Junhui put his finger down. “But _never_ tell me that I _don’t_ care about you. If I didn’t, would I be standing in front of you right now? Do you think that any other person out there would go to the lengths of running around the campus just to find you?”

Junhui went silent again, staring at the floor.

“Maybe. Maybe they’ll coax you into not doing it tonight. Maybe they’ll ask the RA to check on you every hour or so. But say you’ll stay alive on December 8th, give them the satisfaction of seeing the next day. Will they check on you on December 9th?” Mingyu crossed his arms over his chest.

The latter scoffed. “How am I sure that _you’ll_ even do that on December 9th?”

Mingyu smiled and widened his arms, spreading them on either side of his body. “I’m keeping you hostage here, aren’t I?” Mingyu knew that it didn’t stop there. December 10th, December 11th, and any other day after that are all available opportunities to explore the vulnerable void that Mingyu feared so much. Junhui watched as Mingyu sat down again and patted the seat next to him. “I do care about you. Please continue your story.”

Junhui dragged his feet over to Mingyu and sat down, returning back to his original position before sighing loudly. “It’s hard to believe that people care about me when most of the people in my life don’t. When you meet so many people that use you and throw you aside, you can’t help but assume everyone else will do the same.” He leaned his head back onto his knees. “I’ve never told anyone else but Minghao about this, so…”

Junhui looked back at Mingyu, who nodded encouragingly. “I’ve always been a talented kid. I was good at everything school-related, I was a piano prodigy, I could sing, dance. I was cute and handsome…” Mingyu hummed in agreement at that. “But that talent turned into pressure from everyone around me and I know that all of those people who are around me all day are all there for their own gain. I’ve always been alone in life and I hate my major. Every day it’s like this: I wake up, work and study, hate doing it, hate myself, and sleep. This cycle has been going on for years and I’m sick of it so I thought, what’s the quietest and easiest way of ending it all?”

Mingyu found himself on the verge of tears but hid his face in his hands. “I thought about it for a year, but I was always a pussy. It wasn’t until my dad yelled at me for hours a week ago that I decided that I would go through with it. I knew that if I just overdosed quietly no one would know and no one would care and that I would finally feel _alone_ alone.”

A cold breeze hit them as Junhui whispered those last words and MIngyu moved his hand into Junhui’s head, rubbing slightly. Junhui flinched at first, but slowly got used to his touch after a moment. “What interests you the most in this world? Your major must have been chosen by your parents. Business, right?”

Junhui laughed a bit and shook his head incredulously. “I just told you that I planned to kill myself for a year and you’re asking me about my hobbies?” Mingyu waved him off, making Junhui laugh again. “I wanted to be an idol when I was younger. I mean, I had the face and the talent to do it and I always loved being the center of attention on a stage. My parents always hated that idea and when I brought it up in middle school, they took me out of dance class and singing lessons.”

The younger nodded solemnly but chuckled quickly after. “If you were an idol, I would definitely stan. I would be your number one fan and I would go to every fansign and concert. I’d buy all the merch, too.”

“Oh yeah?” Junhui laughed. “My stage name was gonna be Jun and I was gonna make Minghao design my [lightstick](https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.15752-9/90051290_2496433950620071_1663519010735521792_n.png?_nc_cat=101&_nc_sid=b96e70&_nc_ohc=F7EakO5u3skAX-0X_Cf&_nc_ht=scontent-lga3-1.xx&oh=afadace619ed8facfdf2e232a39a948b&oe=5F6D0C4D) for me.” They talked for a while about the songs Jun would sing, tour spots, the name of his fandom, everything, and anything. Junhui’s laugh was melodic and every time he laughed, something in Mingyu would burn. As Junhui was laughing, Mingyu reached over to brush the hair out of the elder’s face.

“It’s nice to hear you laugh,” Mingyu whispered through his smile. There was no reply, but Mingyu could feel Junhui’s burning gaze on the hand that brushed his hair away. 

It seemed that Junhui wanted to say something before he shut his mouth and looked away. The sun was setting early that day, painting the sky purple and orange, and Mingyu realized that it was already past five in the evening at this point. As he looked at Junhui again, who was alive and breathing, he let a sigh of relief pass through his mouth and leaned against the wall behind him. He flinched at the feeling of something on his hand and his eyes went wide at the realization that it was Junhui’s hand. Mingyu raised an eyebrow, assuming that Junhui would say something. 

Junhui smiled and locked their fingers together. “Thank you for everything, Mingyu.”

“Just doing what’s right,” Mingyu replied, smiling even brighter than before.

“No, really,” Junhui said, leaning back against the wall with him. “For running around campus to look for me, for talking to me, for making me feel like a person. Thank you. I appreciate it. I don’t think anyone else would have done what you’ve done for me.” Mingyu said nothing more and rubbed circles onto the back of Junhui’s hand, humming a song. He felt Junhui inching closer to him and suddenly their faces were only a few inches apart. He couldn’t help but glance towards Junhui’s plump lips and lick his own instinctively. Junhui’s hand came up to cup Mingyu’s cheek and he already felt himself close his eyes automatically. He could hear Junhui whisper another “thank you” before their lips locked.

Suddenly, everything went black and he could no longer feel Junhui’s presence in front of him.

Warmth traveled throughout his body and there was something soft and nice surrounding him, lulling him into sleep, but he fought back against that desire. He felt himself furrowing his eyebrows but was unable to open his eyes. Mingyu tried screaming and thrashing around, trying to understand his surroundings, but no sound left his mouth and he could barely move his arms. In a plight of frustration, he broke a sweat to break the invisible barrier keeping him from opening his eyes. There’s a taunting tune from outside of the barrier that is blaring, making Mingyu agitated beyond belief. 

“—gyu! Mingyu!” he can hear, but his eyes stayed closed, so he continued to flail himself around. “Mingyu!” the voice shouted even louder, and it was only then that his eyes opened wide to see Seungkwan hovering over him. “Are you okay? Your alarm’s been going off for half an hour and you keep throwing yourself around…” It took a quick look around for him to finally realize that he was in his bed, in his shared apartment with Seungkwan. He sighed in relief and immediately reached for his phone to turn it off and check the date. December 9th, he thought, smiling. 

“I’m great!” Mingyu exclaimed, darting out of the bed to wash up and put on a nice outfit. He could feel Seungkwan’s judging gaze follow his trail into the bathroom, but he couldn’t care less. He was feeling refreshed and relieved that it was finally December 9th. Mingyu sang to himself loudly, euphoria pouring out of him as he danced his way out of the bedroom after quickly grabbing his phone on the way out. He put his empty hand on the front door handle and was about to wish Seungkwan a goodbye before he was stopped.

“Where are you going?” Seungkwan asked, hand on Mingyu’s.

Mingyu was a bit confused as to why he was being asked this, but he answered anyway. “Junhui’s dorm, I gotta see if he’s alright.” He tried to pull the door open before Seungkwan slammed it shut.

“Dude, is therapy not working again? I thought you forgot about all of this...” Seungkwan looked away as Mingyu stood, confused. “Maybe you need to change therapists again.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Mingyu asked, cocking his head to the side. “What do you mean? What’re you talking about?”

Seungkwan let go of his hand to cross his arms over his chest. “Junhui moved back to China three years ago and, ever since then, you do this every year on the 9th of December and forget all about it on December 10th,” he answered and Mingyu stood as still as a statue, his eyes wide. “You’re a good dude and you’re not crazy, but I still don’t get why you do this every year. I know he’s your first love, but it’s been three years.”

Mingyu could feel his hands shaking as he put it on Seungkwan’s shoulders. “He’s in China? How? How can he possibly be in China when I saw him an hour ago?” He started to shake Seungkwan, almost begging for an answer to come quickly.

“You said this last year, too— _look_ , dude, I don’t know how you saw him an hour ago when he’s in China.”

“But we were on the rooftop—“

“Yeah, you were on the rooftop of his dorm, then you stopped him from killing himself, and then you kissed and suddenly you were back here. I know,” Mingyu stared at him incredulously, hands dropping to his sides, and Seungkwan laughed loudly, slapping him on the back. “It’s so fun doing this every year because your expression doesn’t change a single bit each year. Look at you!” He reached over to put his hand on the elder’s shoulder. 

The chuckles escaping Seungkwan’s mouth frustrated Mingyu to the point where he slapped Seungkwan’s hand away, sending the phone in his hand to the floor. Seungkwan stopped laughing, bending down to pick up his phone. “Hey, this was expensive! Wonwoo-hyung saved so much to buy this for your birthday and now look at what you did! How many phones are you gonna break and how many phones are you gonna make hyung pay for?” His best friend dusted it off and looked around for cracks. He glanced at Mingyu's confused face and laughed again. “He’s your boyfriend, relax. He knows you do this every year, too. You're lucky he doesn’t mind you looking for some guy every year. When he saw it for the first time last year, he almost exploded!” 

The phone in Seungkwan’s hand started to ring, blasting a song that Mingyu has never heard before. “Oh, you’re getting a call,” Seungkwan said, handing the phone that had Unknown Number displayed on the screen over. “I’ll be in my room. Don’t try looking for Junhui again. When you did it the first year, you almost got frostbite. I’m warning you!” 

Mingyu watched Seungkwan’s figure disappear into his bedroom before picking up the call. Slowly, he lifted the phone to his ear and choked out a “Hello?” to the unknown caller. 

It was quiet for a moment before he heard the other side breathe in. “Thank you and I’m sorry, Mingyu.” The caller ended the conversation quickly and it wasn’t until Mingyu heard the phone beeping did he realize that it was Junhui’s voice. 

Tears formed at the edges of his eyes before Mingyu could even notice. A breath that Mingyu didn’t even realize he was holding finally came out of him and he was gasping for air all while clutching at his heart. 

His shaking hands dropped his phone again, the Unknown Number display flashing back up at him. Tears fell down his cheeks and onto the floor uncontrollably and he watched as the Unknown Number display faded to show the date and lockscreen. 

December 9th, 2023. 

Mingyu narrowed his eyes at the numbers, staring until the tears in his eyes left his vision completely blurry, Junhui’s voice still fresh in his mind.

**Author's Note:**

> sup thanks for reading follow me on [insta](https://www.instagram.com/juniacx/) and [twt](https://twitter.com/juniacx)
> 
> here is the link to the [rooftop scene](https://www.flickr.com/photos/189714121@N04/50257269761/in/datetaken/) and the [lightstick i made](https://www.flickr.com/photos/189714121@N04/50268508066/in/datetaken/) in case you wanted to see it again 
> 
> after writing this i stumbled upon a visual novel called 'missed messages' that LITERALLY gives the same message as this fic so if you wanna play it, heres the [steam link](https://store.steampowered.com/app/812810/missed_messages/) (dw its free, but show the creator some love <3!!);; this story is almost the exact same as the survior ending (NOT intentional)
> 
> i named this onism firstly bc i liked the word but then i realized how it can mean you can't 'play god' in any circumstance. thats why when mingyu was so close to having junhui in his grasp, everything changed. even if he did his best to help him, sometimes almost is never enough lol
> 
> stream [svt 24H](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmI-vsaOoUE)


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